I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. Romans 7:15
If I only I knew how to increase the strength of my will, I would surely do it. It’s easy to commit to great things from the comfort of your room, but when it comes time to get up and do them, you will always fall short. How do we keep from hating ourselves? If we say we could be so much better, then is our best who we are? Or are we the pitiful souls sitting here claiming we’re better than our actions have portrayed us to be.
I often wonder if, right at that moment, you’re thinking of me.
Then I get kind of sad because I know you’re not. Then mad because I’m dumb for hoping you might be. Then the cycle just starts all over again.
Shine a light.
You will never dim the light of your own candle by lighting that of another.
No one lights a lamp and hides it in a clay jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, they put it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light. For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. Luke 8:16-17
You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on a stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. Matthew 5:14-15
w a n d e r l u s t
If you’re not outraged with society, you’re not paying attention.
I don’t cry because of you. I cry for you. I cry for all you are missing and all the emotions you will never feel. My brothers, so wonderful and caring; you will never know what it’s like to share mutual unconditional love, and I’m telling you, it’s the best feeling in the world. You will never know them like I do. The depths of wisdom they posses far beyond their years. And you will never know me. Your own daughter, so strong because that’s what she had to be to get past the hurt you spread like wildfire. You are a bully and will always be miserable as a consequence. There are so many wonderful people that you have had the privilege to know, and instead of treating them as if this were the case, you acknowledge them only as your burdens. The depths of your cold-hearted nature is so immense, that I find myself praying for all you encounter. I’ve given up hope that one day you will wake-up and realize all that you are missing. My soul weeps for yours, and I’m afraid there is simply nothing more I can do.
I miss you more than words can say. You’re words used to paint pulchritudinous pictures in my mind, but now there are only echoes left. How do you feel? How do you feel now that you’ve let me down? Knowledge of my need for you flooded your mind, but you just shut your gates. I wish it were that easy for me. Beautiful is a scorn to the true depths of your features. The caverns of your mind, I’ve left unexplored. Every thought on a tangled path to make itself known, until you cut the string. The words we so often exchanged have fallen dead on the side of the road to eternity. So tell me, how does that make you feel? Do you smile through your pain or is there really none to be mentioned? You notice the seeming resemblance between your life and the one depicted in this note. That’s curious considering it’s about you. Yes, you. Whispered thoughts behind the backs of us both led us to where we are today. Who knows where we’ll be tomorrow. Well my dear, you are much adored by those who are not myself. Don’t worry, the extent of my emotional journey with you outstretches the dictionary’s reach. Until we meet again, Fin.
Why is everyone so beautiful?
I don’t know when it happened or why, but everyone is just so beautiful. I can see at least a million wonderful aspects personified in every single person. Even those I would have once accepted I despised, glorious. Every exquisite feature seems to glow on even the darkest of their days. I didn’t use to be this way and I can have no opinion on this different perspective, it simply is.
Have you ever noticed how many people pray when they’re dying… just in case.
He asked, “Why do you dance?”. She replied “Why do you live?” “Because I must” “Well, that is my answer too.”
Those people who make you smile just by smiling themselves.
Change. I like it. I like what it does with people, to people, for people. Nothing is more devastating than finding out, after all you’ve been through, you really haven’t changed. Not even a little bit. Not at all. A change of scenery, a change of clothes, a change of mind, a change of heart, a change. Just, a change. How a 6 letter word could cause so much distress I will never comprehend. You know. You know those people who aren’t afraid. Whose box doesn’t need stepping out of because it encompasses more than yours ever will. Those are the people. The people that make you smile just by smiling themselves. I love it.
I am loved.
I had quite the revelation in church that had me in tears until long after I left. I hope I remember it every day of my life.
Whats the point?
Whats the point of living?
1. I envy those people who can go through life without once asking themselves this question. Who are perfectly content with their lives. I’ve had those moments. They are short and fleeting, a shooting star flashing in the sky on a brisk Autumn night. But I can’t seem to stop myself from wondering. Wondering, even thinking, is a dangerous institution. One that can lead to the most awful moments of your life. Laying on your bedroom floor, listening to the words of a song you’ve heard a hundred times, thinking about leaving it all one day. Every touch. The wonderful texture of the nauseatingly green carpet beneath your finger tips, the tickle of the misplaced curl caressing your face at the will of the fan above. Every sound. Dogs barking, alerting you of the stranger passing by your door. Every sight. Taste. Smell. All of it. Gone. How are you expected to deal with this realization? Tell me it doesn’t make you burst into tears! TELL ME! It also leads to the best moments of your life. Sitting on your roof top, feeling the sun warm your skin. The sound of the birds performing in the trees you don’t know the names of. The wind raising delicate goosebumps on your arms and legs. Then think about never experiencing it again. No one seems to understand why I’m so terrified of death. Dying. Ceasing to exist. Maybe I’m crazy, maybe I’m “thoughtful”. They seem to mean the same thing now-a-days anyhow. I haven’t even begun to explain to you the depths of my feelings, but how can I? After all, no one’s listening.
2. Hope. Placing your hope in God, in heaven, in existing. You don’t know how much that possibility means to me. But it can’t be that easy, can it? The reasons I can’t understand the ultimate tease that is life, giving you so much wonderful in so short a time, are the same reasons I can’t believe. Its just. Too easy.
How do you stay focused?
Focused in school when there are so many things running through your mind. Not running. Sprinting. Sprinting through your mind so fast you can’t even focus on that.
How do you stop yourself from staring off into space?
Space. So many things passing in front of your eyes, all the while you don’t see any of it. Photography. noun. 1. Capturing those things you see but never really look at. 2. Capturing those things you look at but don’t bother to see.
How do you convince yourself it will all pay off?
Homework, school, being friendly and sociable. Working at your struggles and perfecting your talents. Living your life for God. What if none of it matters. What if all of it does. Whats the point of living.
“He wept for the darkness of a mans heart.”
Disappointment only comes after you were foolish enough to hope, those who don’t try never have to look foolish, the hidden key to your heart keeps it from being broken, never bothering to think saves you from the shock, walking in the rain hides the fact that you cried, keeping your mind closed protects it from the world, learning to stop love… is impossible.